Billingham Synthonia 1 AFC Totton 2

(3-3 on agg, Totton win 5-4 on pens)

Attendance: 2,386

FA Vase semi-final, second leg

The big match comes to Billingham. In the local paper the day before the chairman explained how he was getting in a burger van and printing a programme. He was anticipating a maximum of 1,500 fans but, in the event, 2,386 turned up, the size of the crowd compensating for the atmosphere-free layout of the stadium.

There’s a vast, rusting cantilever stand on one side and nothing but grassed banking on the other sides with a cinder running track around the pitch. The gap between the stand and the perimeter fence has a paddock feel and makes you think that horses will emerge onto the turf rather than footballers.

The away team sprinted out sporting pink and two of them wearing gloves. I was fully expecting a song including the lyric “southern pooftas” but sadly none was forthcoming. The Totton fans weren’t shy of their livery at all, chanting “Pink army, pink army” on more than one occasion. Synthonia were made of tougher stuff. One of their players left the pitch to have his head bandaged at which point all we needed for the makings of a vintage cup tie was a dog on the pitch. Instead we got a hat on the pitch, spinning on its rim like a wheel off a wagon for fully 30 yards. There can’t have been such a big cheer for the loss of an item of clothing since the last strip-o-gram at The Synners Bar. (Pic below shows said hat being removed from the pitch).

The incident was the highlight of a wind-blighted first half but after the break the action improved dramatically. Totton, having taken a lead in the first minute of the match, added a second with only about 10 mins to go. All over, we thought, but then, in injury time, a Synthonia man burst through to a one-on-one with the goalie and poked it home. "We" went wild!

In extra time Synthonia had a penalty saved and we kinda knew from that point what the outcome was going to be. Totton hit the woodwork too. And so to penalties which the away side indeed won 5-4. The winning kicker instinctively raced towards the corner flag but then realised there weren’t any remotely sympathetic fans there and so peeled away and back to his team mates in the centre circle. In fact, the total number of Totton fans, high up in the stand, only outnumbered the players two-to-one.

“Oh, well. That new Wembley’s shite anyway, isn’t it?” scowled a Synner on the way out. Cracking cup-tie - but what an anti-climax.

Celebrity footnote: Synthonia’s full back was Curtis Fleming who played for Middlesbrough against Chelsea in the FA Cup final 10 years ago and former Synners include Brian Clough.

And the name? Synthonia is derived from synthetic ammonia, a product of one-time club sponsors, nearby ICI.

Gainsborough Trinity 1 Barnet 3

FA Cup Second Round
Attendance: 1,914

Wet. That somes up this match in more ways than one. Ten minutes into it Bertie had a little accident and spent

the rest of the afternoon with soggy feet, poor mite. Then, in the second half, we left our covered seats in the main stand for a walkabout only for the rain to start, sheeting down across the floodlights.

We'd been sitting in the row in front of the press boys. There was a fella from Radio Lincolnshire, one from Press Association and three lonely anorak sorts, one with a pair of binoculars and another who spent most of the half spelling out 'Andy Hessanthaler' to a colleague on the other end of the phone. [Blackburn Championship winner Paul Warhurst also played for Barnet].

The game's excitement was all contained within the final 20 mins. Trinity equalised Barnet's early goal but the Bees hit back quickly. They sealed victory in injury time with a controversial penalty and sending off. To compound their their bad luck, Trinity then hit the bar. The players re-surrounded the ref at the final whistle as we all paddled off to the strains of "Always look on the Bright Side of Life". Markse United in the September sunshine seemed a long way away.

The crowd was appropriate for a match preceded by a minute's Remembrance Day silence: 1914.

Newcastle Benfield (Bay Plastics) 0 York City 1

Attendance: 971 (far from the 2,000 sell-out predicted)

FA Cup Fourth Qualifying Round

Bit of a peculiar FA Cup occasion, this one. The mighty York City taking out some minnows with a funny name from that hotbed of football, Newcastle, in the final qualifying round. Should be a cracker, I thought. But it was actually a muted affair largely on account of the hosts having no tradition, no real fans and, well, next to no ground. It was like watching a training match.

Benfield were only formed in 1988 and, before this season, had never won an FA Cup tie. They don't have a website and their modern ground consists of one corrugated steel stand [the press and directors' accommodation is the back row] and a cow-shed next door. There's the rail that goes round the pitch and, err, that's about it. The team also clearly has very few regular fans. Those home supporters that did turn up just looked like neighbours who were curious to know what the noise over the garden fence was all about. At the final whistle they gave a brief round of applause, shrugged and departed.

Bertie and I went in with the hoards of York lads for the first half. I recognised lots of familiar faces - and became aquainted with a new character called Stumpy, a one-legged, bare-chested, stubbled wino with a holler like a pirate. Lovely fella, really. We joined the home fans for the second half walkabout.

City went 1-0 up early on and you expected them to get a hatful but that never happened and they made a bit of meal of it. Had Benfield had more luck they could've earned a replay.

We returned to the city centre on the Metro with the Newcastle fans going to the Charlton match. Newcastle will get closer to the Cup than York, of course, but probably not as close as we were in the morning. Bertie and I were a panel of glass away from the oldest surving FA Cup an an exhibition at The Discovery Museum.

And so, after three rounds in the north-east, we bid a sad farewell to the region. For the climax of the competition, the first round proper, we shall head south to Lincolnshire. Next up: Gainsborough Trinity v. Barnet ...

Footnote:

Great quote from the ex-York coach of Benfield. Speaking about York's game against a low-ranked team some years ago, he said: "The fans were within touching distance at Hednesford and it was very intimidating. I got spat on and a meat pie landed on my head at one point. The gravy was actually dribbling down my face." Mmmm.