Stokesley Sports Club 2 Penrith 2

Northern League First Division

Attendance: 57

When the buds begin to burst I develop a sort of morbid fascination in the season’s strugglers. In past seasons it’s prompted visits to watch Pontefract and Brodsworth and, just a fortnight ago, Easington. Today I ventured to Stokesley, the only club in the top six steps of non-league yet to register a win*. They have three points from three draws and, before today, had conceded 99 goals. The nadir was a 24-1 aggregate pasting by Bedlington Terriers over two matches early in the season. The basic problem was that all 38 registered players followed the manager out of the door when he resigned at the end of last season.

The buds may be bursting but it felt like winter in all other respects. Hats and scarves were the order of the day and 10-day old snow still lingered at the top of the distant Cleveland escarpment bounding the North York Moors. The panorama – which made up for my disappointment at Easington – also includes the distinctive volcanic profile of Roseberry Topping (above) and Caption Cook’s Monument (on top of hill, below). Fittingly, the club is sponsored by Captain Cook’s Brewery.

Part of a complex that includes the HQ of the North Riding FA, a bowling green, cricket pitch and tennis courts, Stokesley’s ground has the feel of a training pitch about it and reminded me of how close this level of football is to watching it in a park. (Bit too close, to be honest). The ground is modern, small and unremarkable – if you exclude a rather quaint corner seat (above) that looks very at home among the fencing. I also like the way the dugouts (below) are sponsored by different pubs. The focus, then, was on the view and the match – which turned out to be a little cracker.

When I go to watch a struggler I either want to see first win for yonks or a good, sound thrashing. Ordinarily nothing in between really satisfies. It soon became evident that the first scenario was the more likely. Stokesley certainly didn’t play like a side long since marooned at the bottom of the table and battled well throughout. They came from behind to lead at 2-1 then Penrith – making one of many regular trips over the Pennines in this north-east centred league – levelled it just before the break. Surprisingly, there were no more goals but plenty of chances. “Squeeze! Squeeze!”, the Stokesley goalie kept imploring his defence. “What does that mean?” asked my son, Bertie. Mmmm. Tricky one to answer, that, without a chalkboard.

Penrith should’ve won the match when the Stokesley goalie saved from a one-on-one then, at the other end and with just minutes remaining, a Stokesley striker woofed the ball woefully over the bar when clean through. “It bobbled, lads, it bobbled. Honest,” is how I’d have explained it to my team mates in days of yore. Another chance moments later went similarly begging. The home side’s sub was interesting. I think the fella was Mark Harkin, billed in the programme as ‘chairman, assistant manager and coach’. Probably sweeps out the dressing rooms too. So, for Stokesley, it was a case of so near yet so far. Still, when you only have three points a fourth is an achievement in itself.

Programme notes: “In 1894 Penrith played a friendly match against Poole’s Globe Trotters. The team was made up from a theatre company and they played in costume. Characters included Rattlebones, the Clown; Alabama, the Coon; Injun Scout; Ching Chung, the Jap; Policeman XXX; Buffalo Bill; and Tommy Atkins.” A colourful collection, to be sure. (Tommy Atkins was a generic name for a British soldier).

*The worst team in England: Stokesley aren’t the worst team in the non-league pyramid. As keen scrutineers of the back pages of the Non-League Paper will testify that ignomy belongs to DFS Welbeck Welfare from Nottinghamshire of the Central Midlands League (step 7) who are literally pointless. Here’s a fab pic of the setting of their ground taken a year ago. The mine buildings have since been demolished – sadly, from the groundhopper’s point of view.

Pic of the season: The big news from the Northern League, of course, is the fact that two of its sides have made it to the final of the FA Vase. Here’s a belting pic taken at one of the semi-finals: Staveley Miners’ Welfare v. Dunston UTS. For link to blog click here.

Easington Colliery 1 Northallerton Town 3

Northern League Second Division
Attendance: 39

“If they come to hand out prizes for the finest views in the Northern League Easington will be right up there with the best. Should the quality of football slip Welfare Park spectators can treat themselves to a panoramic picture postcard vista of the Durham coastline and North Sea.” So says Northern Goalfields Revisited, the bible of the Northern League.

You can only begin to imagine my disappointment when I turned up at the ground on a fine spring day to find everything other than the pitch hidden by sea mist. It was like discovering that the star player was on the bench. I kept looking over to see if he was warming up, so to speak, but, no, the conditions persisted throughout the 90 mins. Dammit. You could see the players' breath as the mist sporadically wafted across the pitch like dry ice over a stage. They reminded me of racehorses panting on the gallops on a crisp autumn morning. (Well, OK, not exactly racehorses). Later plumes of smoke rose from the old  miners' allotments.

Denied the view, there wasn’t much else for me to point my lens at. Welfare Park consists of three completely open sides and, on the other, is a short covered stand with three rows of wooden benches and various areas of terracing. The windows of the changing rooms have been replaced with chipboard – painted green indicating a permanent arrangement – and the window of the bar had wire mesh on the outside and steel bars on the inside.

The ground reflects its location in one of the most economically deprived communities in the UK,  a land of shuttered shops and missing hubcaps on the scarred and forgotten Durham coast. As a former mining village Easington was used as the location for the Billy Elliott film. I approached the ground along  an avenue of 83 trees, one planted for each miner who died in a mine explosion in 1951.

The club isn’t faring any better than the village. It was promoted back to the Northern League (step 6 of 7 in the pyramid) last season but has struggled. Easington currently sits bottom of the table  and only decided against folding after a 14-0 drubbing by Team Northumbria because of encouragement from the league. Solidarity, I suppose you call it in these  parts.

The average attendance only narrowly exceeds the number of men on the pitch and my son was certainly not complaining about it being too noisy to read his book as he was last week at Barnsley v. Reading (see pic at bottom). “Where are you from?” asked an approaching away fan. “York,” I replied. “We’re just here for the day out.” (Never like describing myself as a groundhopper. Sounds too nerdy. But then what I was doing having a day out in Easington?) It transpired that he was totting up the number of Northallerton fans for reporting back. By virtue of the fact that we live in North Yorkshire we agreed to be counted as fans no 31 and 32. I estimated the number of home fans at a dozen.

‘We’ took the lead on eight mins and then doubled it on 14 mins with a looping header. The match pivoted on an incident shortly afterwards. An Easington attacker appeared to have his heels clipped as he burst into the box but no penalty was given. One of his team mates was subsequently sent off for dissent. The home bench was incensed. “You’re a foooking dis-gree-erce!” screamed the Easington manager at the linesman. “’Eere lino. Lino! You only giving throw ins today?” added the coach. I felt sorry for the man in black. There’s no chance of him not hearing such abuse on day such as this. Why on earth do people want to be officials especially at this level? Easington rallied well and were rewarded with a goal but Northallerton restored the two goal advantage with a superb half-volley before half-time. In the second half a string fine saves by the Easington goalie prevented a heavier defeat.

After the match we went for a wander which took us onto a grassed area that’s the site of the former colliery. We walked towards what from a distance looked like a folly tower. On another stretch of coast it might have had romantic associations. A belvedere for the squire’s lady, perhaps. Not here. The tower is actually a pit cage converted into public art. At last we got our view of the sea and that’s where we headed.  An unremarkable match but a memorable day out, indeed.

Star turn: Defending for Northallerton was Craig Winter, son of ex-Premiership ref Jeff. I remember watching him play for Marske six years ago.

Football then and now: Dunno why but I thought of this Lowry painting the other day. It’s entitled “Going to the match” and depicts Burnden Park, Bolton. I saw a  recruitment ad for Man U. They seek a ‘associate director – mobile’ who’s role is “to manage and develop the relationship with Manchester United’s various telecommunications sponsors, to strengthen and promote our brands and to maximise business opportunities”. Say no more.

Top clip: The essence of non-league is encapsulated in a sublime opening three mins of these lovingly crafted highlights  of the match between Mertsham and Maidstone. It’s all there: the condiments resplendent on the counter of the tea bar, the tinny tannoy announcements, the real-life spaniel mascot in his yellow and black jersey,  “We will rock you” as the teams come out, the rattle of the ball on a tin roof following a woefully missed header and then the spaniel again, rolling on the ground.

A better view: Conditions were much clearer at Oakwell last weekend - where I took this pic.

Enfield Town 3 Heybridge Swifts 1

Isthmian League, First Division North
Attendance: 359

Call me a nerd if you like (and I’m sure many do) but I like quirky buildings as much as quirky football matches. What better way, then, to spend an afternoon while on half-term in north London than at the Queen Elizabeth II stadium in Enfield. “It’s a café with a ground attached,” is how my brother-in-law described it. And what a café. This is no tatty little tea hut but a splendid Grade II-listed, Art Deco affair dating back to 1953 and designed to mimic an ocean liner, the tower being the funnel. It was restored as part of a £6m refurbishment of the ground that culminated with its official opening with a match against a Spurs XI last November. Coverage of that match made the ground top of the list on a rare southern sojourn and the ideal place to make my Isthmian League debut. 

You enter the café building via a spiral staircase which leads to a fully glazed bar area. The burble of conversation made me feel like I’d wandered into someone’s retirement party. I almost found myself looking around for the canapés. A door leads to the open deck, so to speak, and just around the corner are a few terraces of tip-up seats. Even though there’s a running track between the spectators and the pitch the view is still pretty good (see below and click to enlarge) and, for those who want to get up close and personal, there are short stands positioned within the track and right up against each goal line plus a further stand on the far side.

We were glad of the cover. The rain slanted down, rattling on the corrugated roofs and providing a suitably Dickensian funeral feel to the minute’s silence for Ronnie Sturgess, former groundsman (who’s tractor boasted a personalised number plate). The downpour continued for the entire first half inevitably prompting those familiar “what the hell am I doing here?” thoughts. If you have the choice the QEII is worth saving for a sunny evening at the start or end of the season.

The conviviality of the bar extended to our shelter. There was lots of talk about developments at Bishops Stortford, Leiston, Cheshunt, Brentwood and, horror of horrors, how the league table in the NLP still erroneously listed Enfield as having forfeited three points for fielding an ineligible player. These boys know their non-league. Not that they were boys. In fact, there was a notable absence of youths in the crowd. There were no chants either but repeated calls of: “Oh, Leon!”, “Go on, Leon!” and “What the hell was that, Leon?” Sporting orange boots and gloves and a tidy little beard, Leon Osei looked like he really didn’t want to come out to play right from the off, lumbering around like a cross between a punch drunk Emile Heskey and ever-collapsing Bambi although he did hit the post late on. Never has a substitution been so unsurprising.

Enfield, lying in second place in the table, took the lead when one of their players was felled just inside the area and Hope put away the penalty. Shortly afterwards a pass back to the goalie prompted an indirect free kick right on the edge of the six-yard box. Always an interesting scenario – and, this time, one that resulted in a first-rate save from the Swifts goalie.

Enfield won the first half and the Swifts won the second. Well, they should've done. They deservedly levelled the match with eight misn to go when a free kick was nodded on and nudged in but went behind almost immediately after the re-start when an Enfield cross was blasted in by sub Ewang.To add insult to injury, Hope danced through the Swifts defence to stroke in a third (above). By this time the rain had eased. It had been a tricky crossing for Enfield. In the dying minutes the sun finally and shyly appeared like the harbour lights at the end of a voyage. One last word of praise for the QEII: the car park – just as trim as the ground ­– is free and we were immediately cruising away. That’s the way I like it.

Programme notes: Very professional publication, the sort you’d associate with a club higher up the pyramid. I was reminded where I was, however, by an item headed ‘Bread Pudding!’ It read: “Don’t forget that Gill has given her famous bread pudding to us to sell for her so don’t miss out. It’s 50p for each generous portion”. The programme also explains the origins of the Swifts’ ground (in a village near Chelmsford) as a carrot field. Sounds like another spot well worth visiting …

Ex-star turns: Seb Coe, Linford Christine and Daley Thompson all trained at the QEII during its previous heyday. This Flickr page has good pics of the ground and an interesting history of Enfield Town (the original fans’ club). It also links to a blog with pics of how the QEII looked pre-restoration.

Long runs: As you’re probably aware, Whitley Bay were finally defeated in the FA Vase today (1-2 at home to West Auckland in the fifth round) having won the last three competitions spanning a total of 24 ties. And, talking of long runners the fella behind this blog is going to as many FA Cup ties as he can this season and has already clocked up a mightily impressive 21.

Highlights: As well as the film below, click here for my film from the café side of the Swifts equaliser.